grace and forgiveness...

to all human beings that i know and don't know, to those close to me and not so close to me, to politicians i don't agree with, to people who love things that i hate and hate things that i love;

to killers, rapists, pedophiles, sexual deviants, criminals, everyone i perceive as bad and unlikable and unredeemable, everyone who has hurt me in any way big or small, everyone who thwarts my peace in all shapes and sizes from international to interpersonal to internal;

to myself...

isn't this old news by now? isn't this a settled issue? hasn't this been thoughtfully and tearfully addressed a few million times past?

it seems my grace windshield has somehow been polluted with...pollution. spirit-shaking, faith-quaking psychic pollution. and my wiper blades have failed to keep it away.

but wait a minute, it's rained this year so steadily with love and blessing, growth and healing; wasn't that more than enough to keep the screen clean?

apparently not. have you seen that movie "magnolia" with tom cruise as a sociopathic shyster? it says we may be through with the past, but the past isn't through with us.

maybe all of us are sociopathic shysters in a way. the more i realize this, the more i am able to extend grace and forgiveness. however, the giving and/or receiving of such grace and forgiveness doesn't magically make everything a-o-k. i am still learning this, and i rank myself at about the kindergarten level; no more a baby, capable of structure and discipline; yet far, far away from anything resembling a cap and gown.

i think God has a way of sending miracles for the sake of past mistakes. it isn't about turning back and dwelling in old dysfunctional places. it is about bringing things into the present and future, with the resource of your new miracles to pour some power, freedom, and hope into various painful situations, previously viewed as too hard to see, and more to the point, too hard to feel.

love your neighbor as you love yourself, which implies that loving yourself in healthy, healing, holy ways must precede loving others. grace is the same--it needs to go to myself first. i thought i understood this; after all, i have book after book on the subject.

welcome to kindergarten, little devoted one. keep moving forward, keep chipping away at the masterpiece of grace and forgiveness that is you, keep worshipping your way through the thunder and lightning of every painstorm that bunks up the windshield. and by all means, upgrade your psychic wiper blades!

crazy thoughts...today i am having them. when i'm supposed to be all filled with hope and peace and contentment and every other word in the pollyanna lexicon, i confess...i am having crazy thoughts. they are of the tormented, demented variety. from the ludicrous to the lascivious to the just plain lazy, it's the weak link of my psychic chain rebelling and letting me know quite frankly, she don't wanna be healed, she don't wanna be rescued, she ain't gonna be cured, zapped, or released. at least not today. she is letting me know that amid the miraculous transforming adventure of my 2005, she wants to just stay on her little throne, miss demon-diva herself.

crazy thoughts...unlawful, homicidal, self-destructive, flip-out fantasies. irrational stuff that creeps and seeps through cracks made by love erosion. how do you seal up those cracks, how do you cure love erosion, how do you deal with what's already come through the cracks and messed up the neat little psychic house of cards you were building? heavy, not for the faint-hearted.

actually i take that back. i think that the time has come for all of us tender rainbow hearts, especially the faintest, to wake up and smell the denial. crazy thoughts exist, they come and go, dancing their mambos, overturning their flowerpots, and wreaking their havoc. crazy thoughts spellbind you with their musky unfamiliar fragrance, and hypnotize you into a strange forest of black rose mystery. crazy thoughts are on the B-side of our record, underneath and unseen.

this is the part where i am supposed to start spewing out the answers and Scriptures and remedies and attitudes and platitudes, and wave the big banner of God-knows-what above all our heads, chanting crazy thoughts be gone, crazy thoughts be damned, crazy thoughts shut up, crazy thoughts not nice, blah blah blah.

how about we just leave the crap on the curb where it belongs and get real for one vividly viscerally vulnerable moment? i have crazy thoughts, you have crazy thoughts, all of us have them...it is an absolute reality. and guess what they are? teachers. somebody far wiser than me said when the student is ready, the teacher appears. i don't care if you submerge your head from dawn to dusk in some powdery sweet pile of TBN or Oprah or Deepak Chopra or some ghastly fragmented fluffy version of Jesus Himself. you will have crazy thoughts, and you won't know how to handle them. at least not at first.

and guess what? i'm not providing any explanations or solutions here. even if i could, i wouldn't. why? because it's enough to just step up and tell the truth that our crazy thoughts are there. the lessons found in them are for us all to learn, each in our own way and time. my prayer for you and me is tenderly and promptly. truth is the friend hiding behind the curtain in this cosmic hide and seek game, waiting to be found. these crazy thoughts, these wounds of mine, they are nothing but curtains. see them as they are, go to them, grab them, and pull them back to let the light of truth freely shine. be taught by them, find some adorable baubles of beauty in them, enjoy them in some bizarre spiritual way. live in the light of truth they bring, make peace with them, and see if those crazy thoughts don't eventually melt into the ground like a million mini-wicked witches.

here's my latest motto for soul prosperity: clean, tidy, and awake!

as if mottos and formulas and slogans and mantras really made a dent in anyone's consciousness. guess what, skeptical friends, they do! billions upon billions of minutes and dollars invested in advertising prove this. so the adoption of personal mantras is kind of our very own tailor-made marketing plan...to sell the idea of soul prosperity to ourselves. and i believe it's time for me to buy.

clean, tidy, and awake vs. dirty, messy, and asleep

clean vs. dirty, tidy vs. messy, awake vs. asleep
clarity, discipline, and wisdom are beautiful things indeed, gems in my psychic crown. and i have so much farther to go. the regret does threaten me at times--how could i possibly have made this or that ridiculously bad choice in life, and wasted time and energy that can never be reclaimed, and contributed such profound negativity and debris to the world's soul? even typing it out like this gives me a lump of grieving in my throat. but onward and upward, moving and grooving like water, which leads me to the next of my latest personal mantras...

clear, flowing, always changing vs. clouded, clogged, and stagnant
yikes, those last three choices aren't too appealing at all. and yet we gorge ourselves on this diabolical feast laid out for us by Chef Stealer, Chef Killer, and Chef Destroyer. it's a feast guaranteed to keep us in a state of haze and maze. water is the great reminder of this need for unencumbrance, casting off excess, existing in a perpetual ballet of renewal.

let's reprogram and embrace prosperity of soul. 3 John 2 in the Bible (right before the books of Jude and Revelation) says it best: "beloved, i wish you may prosper and be in health, even as your soul prospers." sign me up, i'm on my way!

"God is so good, God is so good, God is so good, He's so good to me." i used to sing that little song in my little kiddie Bible club; now at age 40, i must shout it from my rooftop, and go tell it on my own mountain. there are moments in life when you have to just stop, look, and listen. i mean spiritually. as i do this today, only one thing comes to mind, that cheesily sweet little song from when i was 9 years old.

sometimes it's good to chat on about the issues of the day. other times it's good to ramble profusely about the clutter in my mental database to achieve some "brain-drain." but i'm not in the mood for that today. i just want to thank God for being so good to me. yes i have unresolved issues, yes i have baggage yet to be dropped, yes i have undiscipline and disorder and irrational thought and behavior patterns in desperate need of holy flushing. but through it all, i am one blessed woman. love fills my life, grace cushions my falls, and music soothes my savage beastness. the One True God holds me and scolds me and molds me like a caring parent must, letting me know constantly how much i am loved and how much he wants me to walk, run, dance, ponder, and sleep in grace. last night i cried out in song, "heal me, Jesus." guess what? he is healing me; deeply, madly, and truly.

come on and sing it with me just for one second; make up your own tune if you don't know the real one. ready? here we go..."God, you're so good, God, you're so good, God, You're so good, You're so good to me." now didn't that feel...good? if you don't love God, you really should give it a try. i'm certain you will find him to be quite lovable indeed.

from the garden of eden
to cheetos, chocolate, coke, and cigars
nightmare in the convenience store
look how far we've fallen and strayed
we're lying in the bed we've made
and claiming that we love it so
kill the matrix, just say no
no i don't love this toxic filth
oozing with diabolical death
but it's already done me in a little bit
my beloved one has a chance
to rise above the smog and stench
and get up off apathy's bench
no longer claiming to love it so
we kill the matrix, we just say no
and even though divinity's garden
we shall never repeat
at least we fight for God's new dream
of dwelling on eden street

it's all about clarity, my friends
let's embrace it now before our journey ends
and slash the nightmare before we go
kill the matrix and just say no

all right cuties, i must let you know that i tried to post last month, but was thwarted by a blogger.com maintenance message saying that the site was temporarily closing down for technical upkeep. of course i had just typed the greatest blog in blog history about my love for my husband, how good life is, and a little elegy for my uncle billy who died recently. well i admit it was more than a little frustrating, seeing that i hadn't saved it even as a draft, so all was lost. and since then i've carried negative vibes to the blog experience. today i officially move beyond that, and back to the blogsphere where i most certainly belong.

to summarize: love for my husband...WOW, God is good, and grace is amazing. i'm stimulated spiritually, mentally, emotionally, intellectually, sexually, artistically, at all these levels on a daily basis. the companionship of this splendid human being never ceases to mega-bless me. our quality of life, though seemingly humble and spartan in the eyes of the status quo, is shooting through the roof. happiness is a strange and wonderful thing to get used to!

how good life is...and busy, too! i have projects up the wazoo this summer. and i love them all! it's just a juggling act to balance and prioritize everything. at the end of each day, i consider it a backhanded compliment from God that all of this "merriment" has been dropped into my lap for me to shepherd and steward.

elegy for uncle billy...it was a bit more eloquent in my now-gone-forever blog effort last month, but i will say this to my uncle billy who i hope can read this anytime he likes. i miss you...you were a laughing light, and like the song says, "don't it always seem to go, that you don't know what you've got 'til it's gone". that's my regret, that we didn't get to connect more as adult peer human beings, but the times we did cross paths, i hold fondly as lessons in high-spirited happiness, and down-to-earth togetherness within...a cool compliment to be called "together" within, since i believe one of the great maladies of mankind is the fact that very few of us seems to bear the fruit of being "together" within. i aspire to these two billy-istic traits, and the fact that they are being brought to my attention right now in my life truly is a stroke of divinity. i would rather be learning about them with my uncle billy here on this planet, hanging out in memphis waiting for me and brandon to come down for blues and BBQ. but God had other plans, and as always, my Heavenly Father knows best. love and peace to the blogsphere cuties!

i can see the tornado inside you
i can hear it within your voice
and it is profound and mystical
it was supposed to take you
all the way over the rainbow
but there is such a thing
as too much brilliance
and too much power
and this, my dear soulmate,
is your blessing and your curse
i oughta know

they're jamming in the basement
i wonder if they know
that divinity is alive
in their underground noodlings
like in "a star is born"
when they played the stage show
then played the bar show
then played another bar alone
just for themselves
the man may have gotten away
but divinity descended

so how oppressed do i feel tonight
like i've been tied to you know what
sing it ben and duane and warren
and now our little bo bice
i got a little happy watching my judy
i chased my cares away
i shouted hallelujah
i thought ahead to judgment day
and i felt oppressed
in the midst of being blessed

my guardian angel for this day
is empress garland herself
whose wondrous force spilled out
in the turbulence and the brokenness
which she willed to occur
even amid the calmness
i must say shame on those murderers
the hollywood bigwigs
who killed her childhood
with up, down, and all around pills
anesthesia was her companion
and torment was her muse

how do you purge and adjust
how do you slay the lust
how do you master the magic
how do you reach the rainbow

the answer is the question
the destination is the journey
the revolution is the revelation
the truth is the love
the love is the truth

that's all for now folks
i've got a rainbow to chase
and to catch

weighing too heavy on this midlife head
is the sick torment of yesterday's dread
so, as many a companion has said,
just change your feelings and choose joy instead

i have news for the pollyanna clan
there is a more truthful, more peaceful plan
of unrealistic pulp, i am no fan,
instead i strive to thrive the best i can

i have more news for you trite pharisees
an honest struggle brings more holy ease
than some fantastic fanatic disease
to exaggerate, and placate, and please

weight gradually is lifted off this head
as grace and gratitude are steadily fed
to this shaggy sinner who forges ahead
basking in true worship before i'm dead
and even more basking after i'm dead

greetings from agony/ecstacy central! for this entry, i would like to share a glimpse of what came from a recent meltdown moment where my husband literally took his shirt off so i could wipe my teary eyes and snotty nose. in case you had any doubt, ecstacy is decisively winning the war in this new era. agony wins battles from time to time, but as i make the daily, hourly choice to "faith forward", i thrive even in tears. i thrive even in ugly snot. i thrive even in stabs and jabs of petty pity. i repeat, ecstacy is winning, and pulling away farther and farther in the lead from all the self-sabotage horses in my race. and as always, i have The Amazing Grace Giver to thank for making this victory perpetually possible. here, my friends, is your eyewitness account:


i suddenly feel about three years old
in the arms of the man who perceives my soul's gold
and preserves clarity of my deepest core
as this weary-eyed woman finds heaven once more

the demons of yesteryear viciously tried
to break my psychic door down and come inside
and eat away boundaries of health, truth, and joy
all balance to jack up, all peace to destroy

though manic-depressive i could easily be
the looney-tune option just isn't for me
cuz somewhere within i know a line's been crossed
and now i am found after i once was lost

new level, new devil, new progress, new pain
surrender the rain and the rein and the reign
a quote from stevie's soulmate is apropos
indeed, my soulshine mate speaks warmth to my woe

so when my frail inner sanctum gets this cold
i suddenly feel about three years old
but there is a man who perceives my soul's gold
and his is the hand i shall forever hold

indulge me in yet another "newlywed rhapsody" moment. i'm entitled since it's only been a little over a month now. and let me tell you, it is a whole new ball game in every area on every level of life. i'm experiencing emotions that are all over the map, from utmost joy to deepest regret. the regret is that i didn't live my life as a singleton in a more disciplined and sacred manner. the regret is that i didn't present a skinnier, healthier, more-together-in-all-ways, secure-in-her-self-esteem bride to the nuptial table. the regret is that my stupid desperation coping choices have steered me way into wilderness excursions that never needed to happen, but that God by his grace is still using for the best. the regret is that i can never get the time back to remedy any of these singleton stupidity moments, and that i will never have the chance now to be the solid and serene single that i was meant to be, and subsequently the solid and serene bride i was meant to be. i lived my own desperate non-housewife reality show for years, and nothing but the grace of God has brought me through to the signpost that now stands before me: blissful marriage and happily ever after/arrow up, broken heart and discontent ever after/arrow down.

well, enough about the regret for now. let's talk about the utmost joy. yes, folks, i, tina the empress of angst, tina the spokesmodel of sorrow, tina the quintessential child of woe, i have joy like i've never felt it before. not that i haven't had the chance to, because after all, i'm the mom of the most extraordinary girl on the planet, with the most extraordinary woman on the planet for a best friend. there is no excuse for me not to have embraced and enjoyed the living, breathing blessings right in front of my face. and over the years in my singing career, i've been the receiver of compliments such as, "you scat like Ella Fitzgerald, you remind me of Phoebe Snow, you sound just like Natalie Cole, you are my favorite singer in the whole world." there is no excuse for me not to have embraced and enjoyed the blessings of my gifts and talents right under my nose. but i haven't, at least not to the fullest, because of joy leaks; joy leaks that sabotaged every relationship i've ever had, especially with God, myself, and the two extraordinary blessing babes.

not anymore. enough is enough. i have allowed these joy leaks to exist for way too long, and as it says in The Wizard Of Oz, i've always had the power! i've always had access to power, within and without, with the potential for greater miracles than any pair of red sparkly shoes could ever give me. Jesus said that he came that we might enjoy life abundantly, and it has been the great downfall of my existence up to now that i have not done this.

i repeat, not anymore. enough is definitely enough. marriage to brandon has been like a big key, unlocking the door that shut out happiness. i don't understand it myself, but now the door is swinging open, with the flashing signpost ahead of me, cheering me and my loved ones on to the greatness for which we have been ultimately designed. joy leaks be gone, dry bones bid despair goodbye, dry fields twist and shout! like our new song says, i thought that no one could surprise me anymore, no one could shake my spirit to the core, no one could look into my weary eyes and see my golden soul. but with brandon the joysprinkler by my side, and renewed inspiration in my heart, i'm happy to say that joy has finally ceased being an alien concept, and is emerging as a vital and viable way of life. i am following the arrows up on the signposts, and by God's grace, i shall bring all my loved ones with me to an adventureland of joy, where all regret is finally and forever forgotten.

welcome to my first blog as a married woman. that still sounds frightfully yet delightfully alien. i love this new development in my life. i love the twists and turns that destiny takes that you could never ever see coming in your wildest imaginings. i love the compassionately compelling man i call "mister velvet steel" named brandon findlay. brandon is, as my friend jeanne would say, "beyond beyond". he truly makes me feel "like a natural woman". our relationship is a miracle, our courtship was a miracle, and we give all glory to God for every moment of the sacred magic we've been so blessed to experience.

now having said all that, i must be honest and say guess what? happily ever after-ville has a few chinks in its hyped-up embellished armor. it's a huger-huge bucket of ice, not just water but wounding bits of crystal reality, heaped upon my too-tender head daily. how come i never knew before how utterly childish and selfish i can be? how come i never realized how sedated i had become to the vitality and viscera of life? how come i let myself get so settled and hardened like an old dusty sculpture ready for the cast-off shelf at some spiritual garage sale? a Batman word comes to my mind right now--ZOWIE! that's the only way i can describe this feeling of a liquifying blast of heat, light, passion, adrenalin, and overpowering love; instantly rescuing me from the stoney stillness of i-give-up, and immediately transporting me into a state of supple organic hopefulness that i thought was gone forever from the tina-existence.

td jakes said that sometimes our miracle eras overlap our mistake eras. that's the way it is with me now. the miracles of new passion do not suddenly cancel out the mistakes of old poop. so that's another facet of what i'm dealing with right now. and i am doing my best to worship through it all daily and "faith forward"--faith as a verb. my extraordinary new spouse is an outstanding support, drying my tears when needed, kicking me in the patootie when needed, singing otis redding to me when needed, just smiling at me when needed.

i hope i don't turn into one of these annoying lovey-dovey married types i've always despised. but i do want to be a model for all the best things that marriage can be. God has blessed us with something rare and precious, to be treasured and shared. just when i thought grace couldn't get any more amazing...ZOWIE!