crazy thoughts...today i am having them. when i'm supposed to be all filled with hope and peace and contentment and every other word in the pollyanna lexicon, i confess...i am having crazy thoughts. they are of the tormented, demented variety. from the ludicrous to the lascivious to the just plain lazy, it's the weak link of my psychic chain rebelling and letting me know quite frankly, she don't wanna be healed, she don't wanna be rescued, she ain't gonna be cured, zapped, or released. at least not today. she is letting me know that amid the miraculous transforming adventure of my 2005, she wants to just stay on her little throne, miss demon-diva herself.

crazy thoughts...unlawful, homicidal, self-destructive, flip-out fantasies. irrational stuff that creeps and seeps through cracks made by love erosion. how do you seal up those cracks, how do you cure love erosion, how do you deal with what's already come through the cracks and messed up the neat little psychic house of cards you were building? heavy, not for the faint-hearted.

actually i take that back. i think that the time has come for all of us tender rainbow hearts, especially the faintest, to wake up and smell the denial. crazy thoughts exist, they come and go, dancing their mambos, overturning their flowerpots, and wreaking their havoc. crazy thoughts spellbind you with their musky unfamiliar fragrance, and hypnotize you into a strange forest of black rose mystery. crazy thoughts are on the B-side of our record, underneath and unseen.

this is the part where i am supposed to start spewing out the answers and Scriptures and remedies and attitudes and platitudes, and wave the big banner of God-knows-what above all our heads, chanting crazy thoughts be gone, crazy thoughts be damned, crazy thoughts shut up, crazy thoughts not nice, blah blah blah.

how about we just leave the crap on the curb where it belongs and get real for one vividly viscerally vulnerable moment? i have crazy thoughts, you have crazy thoughts, all of us have them...it is an absolute reality. and guess what they are? teachers. somebody far wiser than me said when the student is ready, the teacher appears. i don't care if you submerge your head from dawn to dusk in some powdery sweet pile of TBN or Oprah or Deepak Chopra or some ghastly fragmented fluffy version of Jesus Himself. you will have crazy thoughts, and you won't know how to handle them. at least not at first.

and guess what? i'm not providing any explanations or solutions here. even if i could, i wouldn't. why? because it's enough to just step up and tell the truth that our crazy thoughts are there. the lessons found in them are for us all to learn, each in our own way and time. my prayer for you and me is tenderly and promptly. truth is the friend hiding behind the curtain in this cosmic hide and seek game, waiting to be found. these crazy thoughts, these wounds of mine, they are nothing but curtains. see them as they are, go to them, grab them, and pull them back to let the light of truth freely shine. be taught by them, find some adorable baubles of beauty in them, enjoy them in some bizarre spiritual way. live in the light of truth they bring, make peace with them, and see if those crazy thoughts don't eventually melt into the ground like a million mini-wicked witches.