indulge me in yet another "newlywed rhapsody" moment. i'm entitled since it's only been a little over a month now. and let me tell you, it is a whole new ball game in every area on every level of life. i'm experiencing emotions that are all over the map, from utmost joy to deepest regret. the regret is that i didn't live my life as a singleton in a more disciplined and sacred manner. the regret is that i didn't present a skinnier, healthier, more-together-in-all-ways, secure-in-her-self-esteem bride to the nuptial table. the regret is that my stupid desperation coping choices have steered me way into wilderness excursions that never needed to happen, but that God by his grace is still using for the best. the regret is that i can never get the time back to remedy any of these singleton stupidity moments, and that i will never have the chance now to be the solid and serene single that i was meant to be, and subsequently the solid and serene bride i was meant to be. i lived my own desperate non-housewife reality show for years, and nothing but the grace of God has brought me through to the signpost that now stands before me: blissful marriage and happily ever after/arrow up, broken heart and discontent ever after/arrow down.

well, enough about the regret for now. let's talk about the utmost joy. yes, folks, i, tina the empress of angst, tina the spokesmodel of sorrow, tina the quintessential child of woe, i have joy like i've never felt it before. not that i haven't had the chance to, because after all, i'm the mom of the most extraordinary girl on the planet, with the most extraordinary woman on the planet for a best friend. there is no excuse for me not to have embraced and enjoyed the living, breathing blessings right in front of my face. and over the years in my singing career, i've been the receiver of compliments such as, "you scat like Ella Fitzgerald, you remind me of Phoebe Snow, you sound just like Natalie Cole, you are my favorite singer in the whole world." there is no excuse for me not to have embraced and enjoyed the blessings of my gifts and talents right under my nose. but i haven't, at least not to the fullest, because of joy leaks; joy leaks that sabotaged every relationship i've ever had, especially with God, myself, and the two extraordinary blessing babes.

not anymore. enough is enough. i have allowed these joy leaks to exist for way too long, and as it says in The Wizard Of Oz, i've always had the power! i've always had access to power, within and without, with the potential for greater miracles than any pair of red sparkly shoes could ever give me. Jesus said that he came that we might enjoy life abundantly, and it has been the great downfall of my existence up to now that i have not done this.

i repeat, not anymore. enough is definitely enough. marriage to brandon has been like a big key, unlocking the door that shut out happiness. i don't understand it myself, but now the door is swinging open, with the flashing signpost ahead of me, cheering me and my loved ones on to the greatness for which we have been ultimately designed. joy leaks be gone, dry bones bid despair goodbye, dry fields twist and shout! like our new song says, i thought that no one could surprise me anymore, no one could shake my spirit to the core, no one could look into my weary eyes and see my golden soul. but with brandon the joysprinkler by my side, and renewed inspiration in my heart, i'm happy to say that joy has finally ceased being an alien concept, and is emerging as a vital and viable way of life. i am following the arrows up on the signposts, and by God's grace, i shall bring all my loved ones with me to an adventureland of joy, where all regret is finally and forever forgotten.

welcome to my first blog as a married woman. that still sounds frightfully yet delightfully alien. i love this new development in my life. i love the twists and turns that destiny takes that you could never ever see coming in your wildest imaginings. i love the compassionately compelling man i call "mister velvet steel" named brandon findlay. brandon is, as my friend jeanne would say, "beyond beyond". he truly makes me feel "like a natural woman". our relationship is a miracle, our courtship was a miracle, and we give all glory to God for every moment of the sacred magic we've been so blessed to experience.

now having said all that, i must be honest and say guess what? happily ever after-ville has a few chinks in its hyped-up embellished armor. it's a huger-huge bucket of ice, not just water but wounding bits of crystal reality, heaped upon my too-tender head daily. how come i never knew before how utterly childish and selfish i can be? how come i never realized how sedated i had become to the vitality and viscera of life? how come i let myself get so settled and hardened like an old dusty sculpture ready for the cast-off shelf at some spiritual garage sale? a Batman word comes to my mind right now--ZOWIE! that's the only way i can describe this feeling of a liquifying blast of heat, light, passion, adrenalin, and overpowering love; instantly rescuing me from the stoney stillness of i-give-up, and immediately transporting me into a state of supple organic hopefulness that i thought was gone forever from the tina-existence.

td jakes said that sometimes our miracle eras overlap our mistake eras. that's the way it is with me now. the miracles of new passion do not suddenly cancel out the mistakes of old poop. so that's another facet of what i'm dealing with right now. and i am doing my best to worship through it all daily and "faith forward"--faith as a verb. my extraordinary new spouse is an outstanding support, drying my tears when needed, kicking me in the patootie when needed, singing otis redding to me when needed, just smiling at me when needed.

i hope i don't turn into one of these annoying lovey-dovey married types i've always despised. but i do want to be a model for all the best things that marriage can be. God has blessed us with something rare and precious, to be treasured and shared. just when i thought grace couldn't get any more amazing...ZOWIE!